When a list is more than a list

The other day, a post that I thought was really interesting was RT’d into my Twitter feed. It’s from Brandon Shimoda, whose work I am unfamiliar with, but who is a poet and a writer: “Early in our friendship, Etel Adnan gave me a list of books to read and when I thanked her for the ‘recommendations’ she said, ‘These are not recommendations. I would like to share them with you to create a common ground in a world we both like so profoundly, a silent language.’”

The post resonates with me a lot. If you’ve been reading these essays of mine for any length of time, you’ll know that one of my fascinations is the way we can use books as kinds of shorthands for connection. That we can share favorite books and authors as ways of sharing pieces of ourselves. I feel that, at their most benign, things like Great Books Courses and the literary canon are ways of providing that common ground that Adnan references above – a way to give people a shared set of cultural references. And that common set of references does matter to how we communicate and connect with each other. We trust, for example, that if we talk about something being a Cinderella story, people will know what we mean.

There is a kind of post that’s popular on social media. It’s an invitation to an introduction, to a kind of sharing: Five movies to watch to know me! Introduce yourself using one book, one tv show, and one song. I am always intrigued by this sort of thing, because I like lists, though how does anyone ever pick only one? It occurs to me that in a way, these kinds of posts are like the list that Adnan gave Shimoda – not recommendations, but sharing to give a common ground. Like making a mix tape for someone, because you love these songs, and you want them to know them too. You want the music to be a thing you have together.

At the same time, whenever I see a post like that, I wonder: Even if I know all the five movies that the person is introducing themselves with (a big if, for me – I am very bad at knowing movies) how do I know what they are saying with them? If I list Some Like It Hot, will people understand it’s because I love smart banter and Marilyn Monroe or will they have their own first thoughts when that movie comes to mind? Does a Cinderella story mean a delightful rags to riches fairy tale with helpful mice or is it a horror story about cutting off pieces of yourself because you’re so desperate to fit in a role?

It's different, of course, to get a list like that when you already know the person, when you’re broadening an already existing relationship, rather than looking to start a new one. A relationship already has some common ground, some basic understanding. It has the idea that there can and will be discussion, not just a series of assumptions passing each other at odd angles.

And in a way, the recommendation – or the sharing – that comes with the promise of discussion is my favorite sort. Because it’s not just the sharing of something beloved, but the trust that the other person will find something in it, even if not the same something that was the reason you shared it, and that they will want to share back with you.